Why expansion doesn't mean doing more

I had lunch with a wonderful friend yesterday. When I asked her how she was, I must admit, I was worried that she would say 'oh, you know, burning the candle at both ends a bit', or, 'feeling pulled in too many directions'. This is the kind of thing you would expect a successful CEO of the Aotearoa branch of an international organisation to say, especially when she's also a wife and mother as well. I should have known, however, that that wouldn't be her story.

My friend looked so well her I saw her. She was happy, exuding that kind of calm that I always admire in people - the ones who know what they're there for and aren't flustered by all the other stuff. These are the kind of people who I imagine wrote Don't Sweat the Small Stuff because they know, as the subtitle hints, it's all small stuff.

I asked after my friend's life, and what she told me was exactly what I've been thinking about recently. She has a wonderful family, a fabulous job which she has put a lot of energy into and a workplace into which she has hired exceptional people. "My life is pretty simple," she said, as she regailed me with stories of her international trips and the renovations on her house. It wasn't; but in the ways that mattered, it was.

What my friend had worked out was that to feel a sense of calm in her life, it was important to do the opposite of what we women are encouraged to do. She doesn't spread herself too thin. She has things she cares about, hobbies, her family, and her mahi (work), but she also recognises that this time in her life is not the stage when she will be working long hours into the night, picking up three other hobbies, or living her most social life. For her, that wouldn't be success or happiness, that would be burnout. Instead, she's thriving at the things she is doing, and she knows that there will be other times of her life when she can pick up those hobbies or her socialising again.

I am the kind of person who loves to do lots of things. I've always got at least one book on the go, I love running and singing and yoga, I have a family, a dog, and amazing friends. Yet I have learned not to let all of these wonderful things become a burden to me. How could good things become a burden? You might ask.

The thing is, no matter who we are, we still only have 24 hours in a day. By the time we've done our job, eaten, exercised, and done the other basic things for our health, we have very few hours left in a week. If you're trying to fit in social engagements, volunteering, hobbies, and all the other things you were doing in your twenties, you're going to find yourself feeling not only stretched thin, but also, resentful. Have you ever had a message from a friend and felt obligated to see them, rather than excited? That means either you need to reconsider the friendship, or reconsider how you're spending your time.

Feeling like we have expansion and spaciousness in our lives is not about doing more. It's actually about doing less. It's about being incredibly intentional about the things we allow to fill our time. It's about knowing the phase of life we are in and honouring that. If I expect myself to achieve as much in my coaching business on days when we have the kids as days when we don't, then I'm going to end up stressed out and disappointed. I won't be able to show up for the kids in the way that I want to because I'll be thinking about the coaching mahi, and I won't be able to do a good job of that because I'll feel guilty about not spending time with the kids, or I'll keep getting interrupted. Instead, I adjust my expectations. This isn't always easy, but I find being honest and gentle with myself helps me to be more realistic and in the end, happier.

Just because we can do it all doesn't mean we should.

I've decided that I want to live a life of intention and ease, rather than one that feels like I'm constantly running in a race I didn't even choose to enter. So instead of trying to do it all perfectly, I'm working out my balance. I'm designing my life to fit where I'm at.

The VIP mindset is about taking your values, who you are, and who you want to be, and working out what your priorities are. This is on both a macro and a micro level. From there, we work out what things we want to make sure we have in our life (think the 'big rocks' analogy). What I want us to do then, though, is not to try to cram the rest of our proverbial jar full of as many small rocks, as much sand and as much water as possible, but rather, to allow there to be some space. Maybe sometimes we want to be filling our jar all the way to the tippy top, but actually, sometimes having a bit of breathing room is the best thing for a person. I know I feel best when I have a plan for the day, but not a regimented schedule. Life rarely goes to plan, so having enough space, and enough of a sense of what matters can be the difference between a curve ball throwing you off, and you hitting it out of the park.

Everyone is different, and what matters to you and how you want to structure that will be different too. But for today, think about this; what is one thing I could do to make my life simpler? Then go do it. Let me know when you have, I love to hear from you.

If you're interested in learning more about how to expand your life by doing less, send me an email. Let's talk.